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How To Help A Loved One

Finding out that a loved one has been assaulted is an extremely difficult thing to hear. No one wants to know that someone they care about was a victim of a violent crime. It is important to remember, that sexual assault and dating/domestic abuse are violence crimes. Sexual assault is not about sex or desire, it is about power and control. The person who is assaulted is never to blame, regardless of the circumstances. Feelings family members may have on hearing that a child, sister, brother, aunt, mother, uncle has been assaulted can range from anger to despair. Please know that there are resources out there to assist you. Below are some tips when supporting a loved one who has been assaulted.

1. Believe her or him! The greatest fear of rape survivors is that they will not be believed or that their experience will be minimized as not important.

2. Let the survivor know that whatever they did to survive the assault was the best thing to do. Validate that it must have been extremely scary.

3. Listen! Let her or him talk. Find a quiet place. Be patient.

4. Help her or him organize her or his thoughts, but let the survivor make her or his own decisions about how to proceed. The survivor needs to regain the feeling of control. Allow her or him to do that.

5. Reinforce that the rape was not her or his fault. Avoid questions that seem to blame the survivor’s actions. The only person who deserves the blame is the person who decided to commit the assault.

6. Give the survivor a secure place to sleep and offer companionship once she or he returns to her or his living quarters. Often the immediate response for a family member is to protect the survivor and hold her or him close (physically and metaphorically). It is really important that you resist this urge and let the survivor determine next steps.

7. Suggest calling a professionally trained rape crisis counselor or advocate.

8. If your loved one discloses the assault to you soon after it has happened, encourage her or him to preserve evidence. Caution her or him not to shower, eat, wash clothes or brush teeth. Forensic exams can be completed up to 96 hours after the assault, sometimes even up to 7 days later.

9. Get him or her medical assistance if she or he so chooses.

10. Comfort her or him and let her or him know that you will support them.

11. Help him or her get psychological and legal help if she or he so chooses.

12. Be available. Give your time and attention each time you are sought out.

13. Understand that you may start to feel stressed or frustrated as you support your loved one. Be sure to seek assistance for yourself too so that you have someone to talk to about how this has affected you. It is important that you do not take your anger, frustration, or sadness at the situation out on your loved one, as this can be very hurtful for both of you.

 

Secondary Trauma
Often when you support someone who has been through a scary and traumatic experience, it is possible for you as the helper to take on some of the trauma response. This is known as "secondary trauma" or "vicarious trauma". It is important when supporting someone through the emotional aftermath of an assault, that you don't forget about yourself. Take the time you need to maintain balance and self care.