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How To Help A Friend

Below are some things to consider when listening/talking to a survivor of gender violence:

Listen. Often a person in crisis just needs someone to hear their story. You can show you’re really listening to your friend by nodding, looking your friend in the eye, saying "uh-huh", etc.

Believe. One of the most important things you can do is to communicate that you believe what your friend is telling you. Survivors often worry that they will not be believed or have been told by the perpetrator that no one will believe them.

Help to clarify what you think your friend is saying. Listen carefully to your friend and then tell them what you think they said about their feelings. Your friend may be talking about her/his emotions in a way that seems jumbled. You can help by sorting out and repeating back what was said. Say things like: "It sounds like…" or "What I hear you saying is…"

Let your friend decide what they want to talk about. Don’t push your friend to talk about something if they are not comfortable. If you feel you need to ask questions ask gently, so your friend doesn’t feel that you’re prying. Ask general questions, e.g., "Do you want to talk about what happened?" rather than, "How were your raped?"

Avoid asking accusing questions.The perpetrator is to blame for what happened. You may feel angry and frustrated about what happened, but don’t take it out on your friend. Don’t ask questions about why your friend did (or didn’t do) a certain thing. Survivors do the best they can with confusing, terrifying, or life-threatening situations.

Don’t make decisions for your friend. The experience of a gender violence incident is one of having complete control taken away. You can help your friend regain power over her/his life by letting your friend make her/his own decisions about what to do next. Help your friend get information on what all of the options are, but let her/him make the decisions.

Show that you care. Remind your friend that you care, and that this crisis hasn’t changed that fact. You can show your affection by hugging (check your friend is okay to be hugged), telling your friend that you love her/him, or even just sitting quietly together. You may not feel that you are doing much, but your presence can mean a great deal.

Remind your friend to have self-compassion and self-care. Your friend has been through a very difficult experience. Remind your friend to be good to herself/himself.

Take care of yourself. It can be very upsetting and traumatic when a friend is victimized. You may feel powerless, guilty, shocked, angry, or scared. These feelings are normal, natural responses. Be sure to be kind to yourself and get help managing these emotions.

Information taken from Harvard University’s "How can I help my friend" publication. The Office of Sexual Assault Response and Prevention. 2007

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How To Help A Friend